Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Banana is the quietest snack
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Solving a traffic jam
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
haha same
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey