My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
your elf on the shelf was delicious
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda