[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
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Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My hips? Compulsive liars.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.