HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL