What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Extremely relatable.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Art by Pastelkatto