Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.