*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
not for long
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.