I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
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Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume