Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot