“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You Might Also Like
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby