Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I didn’t realize that was an option
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨