COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
When you try jalapeños for the first time
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.