Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
You Might Also Like
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.