It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.