a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.