American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”