Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*praying for world peace*
God:
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
You have been warned.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
When someone says you are so lazy
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.