if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.