Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
That’s classic.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby