[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Why do meteors always land in craters?