I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
You Might Also Like
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
*pronounces surface like Versace*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.