Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
This bar smells like my childhood.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Florida man
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it