My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
c’mon!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*