I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Solving a traffic jam
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I have never related to a cat more
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.