You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
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Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Herpes is trending, good job people
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school