Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
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(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
the answer was staring at me all along
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him