OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
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Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around