How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
💯😂
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.