[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.