Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Saint West, the patron of selfies