Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.