Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.