You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Favourite diary entry ever
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
This sweet pup found a new friend đź–¤
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
repaired
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.