Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’d hang this in my house.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Room with a view.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.