Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Hit me in the face with a bird