Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.