My dad teaching me to drive
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
#Caturday
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week