“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out