Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You Might Also Like
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
i hate you platonically
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.