Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.