Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it