Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
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Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Current mood: Potato
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69