Two types of dogs.
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I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Watermelon Boss!
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl