Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
You Might Also Like
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?