You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
never forget
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
at ease…shoulder.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy