Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
You Might Also Like
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”