I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If squirrels could talk, they鈥檇 have British accents.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that鈥檚 a bad idea
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She鈥檚 ugly. You鈥檙e drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
That 馃憡
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Kids don鈥檛 like to go to bed, and that鈥檚 how you know that they鈥檙e stupid.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off