The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”