My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
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It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.