“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
What about a To-Don’t List?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me